Emotional Abuse: Effects on Children

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KEY POINTS

• Abuse is one person trying to control another with fear, threats of violence, or bullying. Emotional abuse hurts children just as much as physical abuse.
• Whether you mean to or not, when you get very angry, you can make your children feel worthless, flawed, or unloved. When you feel angry or frustrated, take a break until you feel more in control of your emotions.

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What is emotional abuse?

Abuse is one person trying to control another with fear, threats of violence, or bullying. Some examples of emotional abuse are:

• Name calling--for example, saying, "you're stupid" or "you're lazy"
• Labeling children as bad instead of labeling their behavior
• Telling children they are a burden--for example, by saying, "I wish you were never born."
• Blaming children for causing problems the family may be having--for example, saying, "It's your fault mommy and daddy are getting a divorce."
• Discounting children's feelings, like making fun of a child when she cries or when she is hurt or sad
• Being cold and unloving or ignoring your child
• Exposing a child to pornography or criminal behaviors, or allowing a child to use drugs or alcohol
• Not letting children have friends or join activities outside of school
• Controlling too much, not controlling enough, or being unpredictable

What is the cause?

All parents get frustrated at times and say hurtful things to their children out of anger. Whether they mean to or not, when parents are angry, they can make their children feel worthless, flawed, or unloved. This behavior, when repeated often enough, is considered emotional abuse. If you were abused as a child, you are more likely to abuse your own children. Alcohol and drug abuse also make emotional abuse more likely.

How does it affect children?

Emotional abuse hurts children just as much as physical abuse. It just shows in different ways. Results of emotional abuse can include:

• Poor self-esteem
• Destructive or angry acts such as setting fires or being cruel to animals
• Self-harming behaviors like cutting or carving themselves
• Withdrawal, like hiding in their room or staying away from others
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Anxiety, depression, and suicide
• Trouble sleeping and frequent nightmares
• Problems with speech, learning, growth, and behavior
• Trouble in school or keeping jobs
• Trouble forming relationships

How can I help prevent it?

Raising children is not easy. Here are some examples of things you can try when you feel angry or frustrated:

• Count to 10, take some deep breaths and take a break until you feel more in control of your emotions.
• Make it clear to your child that you do not like her behaviors but you do love her.
• Set clear, consistent limits on behavior by using time-outs and sending your child to her room.
• Phone a relative or friend and talk with them to help you calm down.
• Get someone to stay with your child and do something to help you relax. Take a walk, listen to music, or take a bath.
• Talk about your concerns with your healthcare provider.

Children need love, praise, attention, and respect to develop a healthy self-esteem. Some things you can do are:

• When children behave in ways that you like or approve of, praise them. For example, "You did a good job of putting away your toys."
• Tell your child at least once a day why you love her.
• Listen to your child. Let her talk about her feelings.
• Ask your child about her day.
• Spend time with your child – playing, reading, walking, or taking part in a favorite activity.

When you get frustrated with your child, remember:

• Don't take your child's behavior personally. Children get frustrated too.
• Children are not little adults. They express feelings differently than adults. Adults can talk about their feelings. Children express their feelings through behaviors like crying or tantrums and through play.
• Never be afraid to apologize to your child. For example, if you lose your temper and say something you wish you hadn’t, say that you’re sorry. It’s important for children to understand that adults make mistakes too and can say that they were wrong.

You can get more information from:

• Parents Anonymous
  http://parentsanonymous.org/
• Prevent Child Abuse
  http://preventchildabuse.org/
  800-244-5373