Death: Help your Child Deal with Death and Grief

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KEY POINTS

• Chances are that someone important to your child will die before your child reaches adulthood.
• How you talk with your child about death depends on his age. Help your child feel safe and comfortable. Let him know that it’s OK to feel sad about the death and that it’s good to talk about it and remember the person or pet who died.
• Let your child ask questions and express feelings. If you or your child are having a hard time, grief counselors and therapists can help.

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Chances are that someone important to your child, such as a grandparent or great-grandparent, will die before your child reaches adulthood. Death can be scary, and friends and others may tell your child stories about death that may not be true. It helps if you talk with your child about death before the loss of a loved one. Stories in books, children's movies, TV shows, or the death of a pet can all be ways to start talking about what death means. Talk with your child in ways that he will understand.

Your child will use you as a role model for how to grieve. Help your child feel safe and comfortable. Give him lots of love, support and reassurance. Let him know that it’s OK to feel sad about the death and that it’s good to talk about it and remember the person or pet who died.

After someone dies, consider including your child at the funeral or memorial service. Children are comforted when they know the routines and customs. Your child will have an idea of what to expect if you simply and honestly explain what he will hear and see before, during, and after the service.

If your child does not attend the funeral, find other ways for him to say goodbye. For example, writing a story, releasing balloons, planting a tree, or having a fundraiser in memory of the person who died. It may help your child to gather pictures or other special items and create a memory book or box. It’s OK to talk about the person who died.

How can I help my child cope with death?

How you talk with your child about death depends on his age. Your child may have periods of grief as he grows up, especially during certain milestones in life, such as starting school, holidays, or graduating. Grieving is a process that takes time.

Infants and toddlers (birth to age 2)

Children this age do not understand death, but they are aware of the loss of a parent or caregiver. They can also be affected by your sadness. Babies and toddlers may react with increased crying, clinging, or tantrums, or with changes in sleeping or eating patterns.

Try to keep to a normal routine as much as possible.

Very young children (ages 2 to 4)

Be careful not to tell your child that the person has gone to sleep or that the family “lost” a grandparent. Your young child may be afraid to go to sleep or may keep asking when the person will be back. He may worry about who will care for him. It’s OK to use the words “death” and “died” and to explain that those words mean that the body stopped working and cannot be fixed. Let your child ask questions and express feelings. Keep explaining in simple terms.

Children this age are not able to put their feelings into words and may react to loss with changes in behavior. You may notice more whining, acting out, trouble sleeping or eating, or a return to bedwetting or thumb-sucking. Playing with dolls and puppets, pounding play dough, or making up stories may help your child deal with grief.

Young children (ages 5 to 8)

Children between the ages of 5 and 8 may think that somehow they caused death by wishing it would happen or by not doing what they were told to do. This "magical thinking" can make your child feel guilty. Help your young child understand that angry feelings or hateful wishes do not cause people to die.

If someone in your family is seriously ill, let your child visit and help take care of them. Drawing a picture or giving Grandma a drink of water lets your child feel like he is helping, which can lessen guilty feelings. If there are tubes and medical equipment, tell your child about them before your visit and explain how it helps Grandma feel more comfortable.

After a death, try to keep a normal routine for your child. Be ready to let your child talk and share his feelings or to let him play when he needs to. Let him know that he does not need to feel guilty when he is happy or is having fun. Children often express their feelings through play, drawing, or story-telling. Help your child use these activities to express grief, anger, and other emotions.

Your child may not grieve in the same way as adults. He may withdraw, act like a baby, have nightmares, or be afraid of the dark. Don’t punish or scold your child for not grieving like an adult. Your child may feel worried and scared. Make sure he feels loved and secure, especially after the death of a parent.

School-age children (ages 9 to 12)

School-age children are starting to understand that death is final. Your child may change the subject or ignore you when you try to talk with him about death. It’s OK to wait for your child to bring up the topic again.

After the death of a loved one or schoolmate, your child may be afraid that you will die or that he will get sick and die. Help him talk about his fears. Reassure him, in a realistic way, that there will always be someone to take care of him.

Help your child know that normal grief often involves other emotions such as anger, guilt, and frustration. It may help him to talk with someone outside the family such as a teacher or clergy member.

If your child doesn’t want to leave home to go to school, or has new symptoms such as headaches and stomachaches, talk with his healthcare provider. You may also want to contact a counselor experienced in working with grieving children. Some cities also have support groups for children who have lost a parent or caregiver. Sometimes a few sessions of play therapy can help your child express his feelings and lessen his symptoms.

Teens

Teens know death is final and that the dead person will not come back. Although your teen knows that everyone will die, he may not believe that death will touch him. The death of a parent or other important person can leave him feeling abandoned and lonely. He may argue and scream, or withdraw.

Don't be afraid to talk honestly about death and dying with your teen. He needs to hear what you have to say. At this age, religious beliefs can bring comfort but may also bring questions about faith. It’s important to give your teen a chance to talk about a death with adults who are also grieving. Some teens may turn to drugs, alcohol, or other risky behaviors. Watch for this, and give your teen plenty of chances to talk about all of his feelings. Give him your full attention and show that you are listening. He may find it helpful to talk with someone outside the family or attend a teen grief support group.

Your teen may find it helpful to keep a journal, exercise or play sports, visit with friends, or listen to calming music.

When is it important to get help from a mental health professional?

Get help from a mental health professional if your child:

• Seems to need to be alone more than usual for longer than a week or two
• Doesn't seem to care about school or other activities that used to be important to him
• Has trouble sleeping, doesn’t eat, or starts having behavior problems, such as destroying things
• Shows signs of using drugs or alcohol
• Talks about suicide

You also need to grieve. If you have no energy to care for your child, ask for help. Family and friends can spend time with your child, take him to activities, and attend to his needs. Grief counselors and therapists can help you cope and help you get your family back on track.

You can get more information from:

• National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization
  800-646-6460
  https://www.nhpco.org/